Some quarter life crisis ish up in here.
The Rebirth of Fly: April 19, 2007
(Whatever happened to Digable Planets?)
As I prepare for a meeting tomorrow morning where a lot of the work I do at my current job is hinging upon, I got to thinking… In times of crisis how do I cope?
Am I in crisis? Not exactly. Without going into gregarious detail, I must make the disclaimer that I’ve been dealt a pretty rough deck of cards in the last 6 months, making that venture into the real world just a tad more… “interesting”, than most.
In an attempt to avoid playing my least favorite game of “My Life is SOOO much harder than Yours!” I will keep it simple. 4 funerals in 3 months. All tying tightly into my career(s), my family, my personal life. I’m fine, but through it all, in having so many people in my immediate life so closely affected, I have some how managed to be a rock. Emotionless at times, able to see the humor, beauty, matter of fact-ness in many otherwise difficult or awkward moments. But the truth of the matter is at quarter-life I grew up in ways I’m not sure any of us anticipated.
Last night in a phone conversation with a dear friend we talked about the fact that I don’t entirely feel like myself. As though parts of my personality are under nourished.
He, who may know me best in the world at times noted that “there is no one to feed you. You’re so busy being everyone else’s support system that there’s no one to take care of you.” I bawled.
And while it’s true, I have managed to do okay. It’s the mere words coming out of someone else’s mouth that got me. And being the smartass that I’ve always been, I said something to the affect of:
“Whatever, I’m too fly to….” Something or other.
He laughed pointed out how bipolar I had been in our conversation. “One minute you’re talking about how fly your new hair cut is, the next you’re crying. Then talking about how funny you are, and then how fly you are again.”
I have a problem with the word fly I suppose. It developed in the wake of my roller coaster ride into the year 2007. It seemed that through it all I managed to come into my “adult look” a ruthless battle I’ve had with looking my age (partially due to my job at the high school where people would get enraged with the thought that I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AN ADULT DESPITE MY LOOK, partially due to being a fat kid, and lastly a great deal to do with my own version of spiritualism that involves cutting my hair whenever there are major life changes). Through months of work I’ve improved my health, managed to loose a ton of doctor mandated pounds, and generally felt good about myself. (An older brother like figure pointed out that I always seem to feel best helping people, he just hoped I was taking care of myself.)
And the thing is, I DO believe I’m fly all of the sudden. I’ve had some amazingly wonderful things happen. Fly new job, and new hair now too. So maybe that’s how I cope. Accept, and embrace the fact that I am FLY. (Something I discovered at my last job when suddenly I was the “funny, REAL” girl that everyone had crushes on). It’s a joke 90% of the time. But whatever it takes to get me through, I’ll go with it.
(Although I should say this. IF one more person says I look like “Ugly Betty” but when she’s pretty… I will go crazy. HER NAME IS AMERICA FERRERA, NOT UGLY BETTY. And It’s hardly a compliment when UGLY is in the sentence. Yeah, it’s like that. I’m keeping it real. As Nelly Furtado said recently, I’m real as they come if you don’t know why I’m Fly-y-y).