1. Archives: The Rebirth of Fly

    Some quarter life crisis ish up in here.

    The Rebirth of Fly: April 19, 2007

    (Whatever happened to Digable Planets?)

    As I prepare for a meeting tomorrow morning where a lot of the work I do at my current job is hinging upon, I got to thinking… In times of crisis how do I cope?

    Am I in crisis? Not exactly. Without going into gregarious detail, I must make the disclaimer that I’ve been dealt a pretty rough deck of cards in the last 6 months, making that venture into the real world just a tad more… “interesting”, than most.

    In an attempt to avoid playing my least favorite game of “My Life is SOOO much harder than Yours!” I will keep it simple. 4 funerals in 3 months. All tying tightly into my career(s), my family, my personal life. I’m fine, but through it all, in having so many people in my immediate life so closely affected, I have some how managed to be a rock. Emotionless at times, able to see the humor, beauty, matter of fact-ness in many otherwise difficult or awkward moments. But the truth of the matter is at quarter-life I grew up in ways I’m not sure any of us anticipated.

    Last night in a phone conversation with a dear friend we talked about the fact that I don’t entirely feel like myself. As though parts of my personality are under nourished.

    He, who may know me best in the world at times noted that “there is no one to feed you. You’re so busy being everyone else’s support system that there’s no one to take care of you.” I bawled.

    And while it’s true, I have managed to do okay. It’s the mere words coming out of someone else’s mouth that got me. And being the smartass that I’ve always been, I said something to the affect of:

    "Whatever, I’m too fly to…." Something or other.

    He laughed pointed out how bipolar I had been in our conversation. “One minute you’re talking about how fly your new hair cut is, the next you’re crying. Then talking about how funny you are, and then how fly you are again.”

    I have a problem with the word fly I suppose. It developed in the wake of my roller coaster ride into the year 2007. It seemed that through it all I managed to come into my “adult look” a ruthless battle I’ve had with looking my age (partially due to my job at the high school where people would get enraged with the thought that I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AN ADULT DESPITE MY LOOK, partially due to being a fat kid, and lastly a great deal to do with my own version of spiritualism that involves cutting my hair whenever there are major life changes). Through months of work I’ve improved my health, managed to loose a ton of doctor mandated pounds, and generally felt good about myself. (An older brother like figure pointed out that I always seem to feel best helping people, he just hoped I was taking care of myself.)

    And the thing is, I DO believe I’m fly all of the sudden. I’ve had some amazingly wonderful things happen. Fly new job, and new hair now too.  So maybe that’s how I cope. Accept, and embrace the fact that I am FLY. (Something I discovered at my last job when suddenly I was the “funny, REAL” girl that everyone had crushes on). It’s a joke 90% of the time. But whatever it takes to get me through, I’ll go with it.

    (Although I should say this. IF one more person says I look like “Ugly Betty” but when she’s pretty… I will go crazy. HER NAME IS AMERICA FERRERA, NOT UGLY BETTY. And It’s hardly a compliment when UGLY is in the sentence. Yeah, it’s like that. I’m keeping it real. As Nelly Furtado said recently, I’m real as they come if you don’t know why I’m Fly-y-y).

  2. Archives: I’m a Grown Ass Woman

    Still feel this one.

    I’m a Grown Ass Woman: Apr 15, 2007

    The world of hip hop although known to cause controversy, provide lost suburban teens a scapegoat outlet for foul adolescent behavior, and urban teens a familiar face or story in the media, is also known to be somewhat paradoxical. At the moment personalities like Farnsworth Bently, the manservant of Sean Puffy Combs, dawning Burberry, a large umbrella and bowtie while their friends rap about coming from the streets, being hard and wearing merely white tees, or the College Drop out himself Kanye West who wears furs of all kinds but stands firmly against conflict diamonds and speaks freely about FEMA and Presidential neglect in the after affects of hurricane Katrina come to mind.

    Which got me thinking, not about issues as pressing or culturally important as the ones I’ve just mentioned, but about something I feel isn’t really mentioned as much. Now you can get into all the discussions you want about masculinity in hip-hop, male bravado, the ideas of confessional vs. boasting rap songs, but that’s not what I’m thinking about with my idea. Frankly that’s too academic for my extremely exhausted and no longer as sharp brain.

    The idea I’m curious about is the notion of being a “Grown Ass Man” which is heard often as it comes out of rappers, hip-hop fans, and men of all ages. (Disclaimer: Ass is now an adjective used to mean Very, or having reached a certain level. Example: “This is a good ass burrito.” It is not a burrito made of ass, as much as it is a very good burrito)
    To say “I’m a Grown Ass Man,” is of course not just a statement about age, but about having responsibilities, being able to handle ones own business and life in a way someone grown should. Cee-lo has a song about the idea of being grown, which clearly strikes home to someone like me. Needless to say it strikes other people I know, some saying they are Grown Ass Kids, having so much life to live even if they are growing.
    Given previous posts implying where my head might be lately I have been thinking about what it means to be a “Grown Ass Woman.” This is what I have to offer.

    Things A Grown Ass Woman Should Do:

    1. Admit when she’s made a mistake, hurt someone, needs help and or spac
    2. Know when to step back and let others take the spotlight
    3. Know how to dress age and situation appropriately. Particular points to note:
      • Pigtails are often juvenile unless the situation lends to them
      • Trends found in teen stores do not often work for work wear
      • A good bra is the best investment you can make, at any time.
      • No one should know you are wearing a thong unless you are sleeping with them, they are meant to be assumed not seen through your pants because they are too tight
    4. Accept that life does not have a set path and it is okay if you are you do not have that husband/house/dream job/baby by the age of X.
    5. Know that at her best, when she is most herself, people notice. She wont have to try so hard if she keeps that in mind.

    Things A Grown Ass Woman Is Not:

    1. An attention whore. Wanting validation and recognition is one thing, but using your god given assets, fucked up     gender norms or other women to get them is not very grown.
    2. Someone who plays “the game” and gets caught. A grown ass woman instead, is conscious of the game and         only plays enough to get by.
    3. Someone who places blame on others for problems that are of her own making.
    4. A slightly older version of her high school self. Grown Ass-ness implies holistic growth as a person not just in         age/height/weight. Honey you do not have the right shape to wear Baby Phat any more, and you are too old to wear clothes with ages in the title.
    5. Someone who measures her worth by someone else’s standards.

    This is a working idea… it might take some time to get used to it, but please take it into consideration. (Particularly the C section of Things a Grown Ass Woman Should Do. The bra part is very true).

    UPDATE: 4/18/07 As noted by dnA of www.toosense.net , my use of the word “ASS” would “make ass an adverb, since it modifies an adjective not a noun.” He was deeply bothered by my calling it an adjective in relationship to the phrase “good ass burrito.”  I think he is merely upset that there are no good *ass* burritos on the East Coast.